Hello, Is Anyone There?
After another two-month web absence, the prodigal blogger returns. I don’t suppose my return will be greeted with the same joy as would a lost housecat suddenly reappearing at its family’s back porch after having disappeared weeks ago. That’s OK.
Actually, July was a very busy month. I took my first real teaching job…a four week contract with one of the local universities. A great deal of thought and planning went into my lessons, and, I must say (� la Ed Grimley) that I was really pleased with how things went. I loved my students! Most of them were from Japan, but there were also students from Colombia, Peru, Turkey, Korea, Ivory Coast, Argentina and Brazil. Not that I’m surprised, but I felt very sad at the end of the program and cried when I had to say goodbye. Maybe in time I will become less sentimental. One of the things I’ve always found difficult in life is letting go of people who are dear to me. The child in me doesn’t understand why it’s necessary, and it feels like such a loss. I do, however, feel very fortunate for the opportunity I was given. I wouldn’t have traded it for a pack of Digestive Cookies and a handful of nickels.
With the way I’ve been feeling in recent days, I’ve picked a book which I’ve had for years (but never read) off my shelf and am slowly going through it. The book is Love and Loneliness by Krishnamurti. The author/spiritual teacher talks about all the things that love is not - love is not fear, anxiety, jealousy, a desire to possess. It is not ambition, a need for comfort and security, or physical or mental attachment to another person. As I reconsider my perspective on a number of things I’ve been recently yearning for, this book makes me realize that so many of the reasons I have wanted these things have hinged on my fear of not being secure, of not being “a success”, of being alone. Krishnamurti says we must look directly at loneliness and experience it. We will accomplish nothing of trying to avoid or suppress our fears (or our desires) for that matter. He maintains that it is not a matter of conquering our weaknesses; we cannot “overcome” them by discipline or thought. According to Krishnamurti, mind creates problems rather than solves them. Reading Krishnamurti has reminded me that my outlook on myself and others has been askew, despite my best intentions. To keep an open heart despite past hurts and anxiety about the future is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves. To look upon every experience as new and to be constantly reborn in every moment…this is something to strive for. I can hardly imagine. Still, it’s an exciting possibility, one which will always be there for us, at least in this lifetime.
Maybe I should be reborn in Safeway soon…it’s been a long time since I cooked a nice meal. Am nursing a cold, and could use a few oranges.
Posted on August 01, 2002 01:12 PM